People do the best they can with the tools they have

How an idea can change the way we see the world

(versão portuguesa)

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This phrase changed my life - and no, I'm not exaggerating.  It changed my life gradually, as it became ingrained in my world-view. 

I learnt it on a neurolinguistic programming (NLP) course. As a teenager, I had read a book on the subject and was fascinated by the idea that we can consciously influence how we think and feel about things through the way we communicate. But for years I avoided NLP courses because they seemed too sales-orientated, until a friend recommended a course that focused on personal development. 

This phrase is one of the presuppositions of NLP, along with other equally rich and challenging phrases.

The first time I heard it, I found it strange. What do you mean? The world is full of people who don't give their best! How many times could I have given more, done more?

But over the years I've learnt that when an idea causes resistance in me, it's time to pay attention to it. And in this case, although intellectually my neurons were screaming "it can't be true!", there was something inside me that asked "what if it was?".

Judgement vs curiosity

I have the tendency to analyse and judge trainers when I'm on the other side, projecting onto them my insecurities and my desire to be a better trainer. But during that week of training, I found myself pausing that judgement. When a critical thought arose about the trainer's technique, instead of giving space to the judgement, I thought that perhaps that was how he learned it, or how much we need good training for trainers.

The same thing happened with the other people there. I remember a person having a violent reaction, and my first thought was not a negative judgement (violence is bad) but a question (why is this person reacting like this?).

The training was very emotionally intense, because we were applying the techniques we learnt to ourselves, creating an intimacy that would never happen in "normal" training. Every day emotions, memories and fears came to the surface, and as we understood each other's life experiences, the answer to the question "why is this person reacting in this way?" became clearer.

Anxiety vs Compassion

Violence bothers me. Whenever I witness someone being aggressive, it's hard for me to remain calm and objective. In most cases, I judge the other person, probably projecting my desire to be more assertive in some situations. In extreme cases, my heart shrinks with fear and I start to wonder what I've done wrong and how I can calm the person down, even if the situation has nothing to do with me.

Perhaps that's why one of my teachers (unintentionally) was a person who crossed my path and who had an aggressive communication style. Even before I took this training, I had decided to turn my interactions with this person into a learning practice. After that, the practice became much more intentional.

One day this person came up to me and started talking loudly, and instead of thinking about how I was going to resolve it quickly, I found myself thinking about how difficult it must have been to live in that skin, in a state of constant combat. That day I could see that person's anger as the tip of the iceberg, and remembered another phrase I learnt in the NLP training: every attack is a cry for help. I remember feeling a deep sense of compassion and, ignoring the screams, asking "Is everything OK? Is something wrong?". At that moment I felt a barrier breaking in me, the judgement disappearing, and a very deep connection being created with that suffering human being. Maybe I imagined it, but I think I saw tears before they turned and walked away at a fast pace. Maybe I imagined it, but I felt that after that moment, our relationship took a subtle turn for the better. 

Does this mean that there are no bad people? 

Yesterday, a synchronicity happened: I came across a post on reddit that spoke precisely of this phrase. The text you are now reading (thank you for that!) was almost complete, but I felt there was still something missing. And in this post I found a different perspective, of someone who talked about a situation where this phrase should not be applied: the case of parents that mistreat their children, because parents should protect their children, no matter what history they have with their own traumas. 

So are there people who can, who should, do better, even with limited tools? Probably.

It's easy for me to believe that all actions are the consequence of something, whether a genetic or physical predisposition, or trauma perpetuated through generations. But on the other hand, I also believe that we have the power to create our path, that we gain awareness of the consequences of our actions, and act accordingly.

None of these ways of looking at life are the reality, because they are just ideas, opinions, beliefs. They are a filter we put on reality.

But perhaps we don’t need to solve this philosophical question to use this phrase, because the most important change it brings happens in us and not in others.

In my case, this and other experiences strengthened a response mechanism that allows me to be more objective and not take other people's reactions so personally. Violence still bothers me, but now I try to transform anxiety into compassion, and imagine what it's like to be that person, to think about what led them to be that way or to have that reaction. People continue to do things that irritate or disappoint me, but I often manage to remember this phrase to gain perspective, bypassing judgement.

This phrase doesn't absolve anyone of their responsibility or the consequences of their actions, but when we ask what tools could have prevented a murder, such as empathy, it gives us clues to the possible rehabilitation of the murderer, if we believe that people can change. Nor does it mean that we accept the way someone treats us. We can realise that they don't know any better and, at the same time, set limits to protect ourselves from their actions.

I've always admired people who accept others as they are, perhaps because my judgement muscle is strong. This phrase, and the work I've done on it, has balanced that strength, and I feel it has brought lightness to my life.