A collective guide to better conversations
Exploring tools and attitudes for more meaningful and insightful talks
I like to write because I think slowly. I enjoy dissecting ideas, understanding where they come from and how they are constructed. Writing gives me time to travel down different paths until I get somewhere that makes sense.
It’s harder to do this in a conversation. When I start to brainstorm out loud, I feel like I’m complicating the issue, and when I explore different perspectives, it feels like I don’t have an opinion. At times, I find it hard to distil all that is going through my head into coherent phrases — my hope is that it doesn’t show; I really admire people who are able to have both a profound and well-reasoned discourse.
The other day I witnessed something that fascinated me. I was staying at a Buddhist monastery and during the afternoon, there was a talk with one of the monks. Someone asked a question, and the monk did something I don’t usually see — he stopped to think before speaking.
That gesture told me two things: he pondered the answer, and, just before he paused, he was engaged in listening to the question. When he spoke, he gave very practical advice, then zoomed out to reflect on human nature and values. He reminded us that we are all trying to avoid suffering and that we can lead with that wisdom and the compassion that comes with it. Instead of advice for this one person, his words became universal guidance.
There may be times when we have to talk about the weather, but when we go deeper, when we explore the big and the not-so-big life questions with other people, conversations can become treasure hunts.
Lately, I have been intentionally involved in this exploration. This year I went to Death Cafes, where we talked about death and grief. I’ve talked to strangers. I’ve stayed twice in a Buddhist monastery, and talked with monks and people from the sangha. I said yes to a friend's invitation to participate in an Alpha Course, a Christian faith activity open to all, believers and non-believers, where we talked about some of life’s big questions. And I lost track of time during many conversations with friends.
So I asked myself: what are the conditions or attitudes that allow for better conversations? As I am lucky to have beautiful people close to me with whom I enjoy talking, I also asked them (thank you, friends!).
The ability to listen, think, and give insightful answers may not come naturally, but I believe — I hope — it can be practiced. So, here are some ideas on what can make better conversations, some of the things we can focus on to have more shared memories of connection.
Time
Obvious, but difficult to achieve: taking the time to talk to someone without being pressured by whatever we need to do next. Is now a good time to talk?
Being present
Our body is there, but where is our mind? Are we able to be present, without distractions, without looking at our phone, or stressing about our to-do list? Can we make the other person feel like they’re our sole focus at that moment?
Listening
We need good listening skills to have a good conversation, but what does it mean? For one, paying attention in a way that let us summarise what the person said, ask a follow-up question, or continue the conversation by adding to what was said. It’s not enough to stay silent while we are mentally occupied with what we want to say next.
Another thing is not being afraid of silence. If we let those quiet moments flow without trying to fill them, we give time for a thought to become complete, for something that was not so immediate to be said. Sometimes, silence gives us the courage to say what truly matters.
Balance is also important. Does everybody in the conversation have a chance to share? In a one-to-one, is there an equal give-and-take over time, even if there are occasions when one of us needs more airtime?
Asking better questions
A good place to start is making open-ended questions and being specific.
Who, what, when, where, how, and why are good ways to explore someone's experience, but we can go deeper with questions like: how do you feel about it now, what have you learned from it, what inspired you, what do you hope/fear.
gives a great tip: rather than asking someone about the facts of their life (where do you live?), ask how they feel about their life (what’s the best part of where you live?).And when the time is right, we can ask questions like we throw a stone at a lake and then just enjoy the ripples. We can go big, and we can go meta:
What is one thing you learned in the past 5 years?
What do you wish you did more of?
What is something you wish your child would never have to face?
Tell me about the last time you laughed until you cried.
A generous mind
A generous person’s house has elastic walls, and a generous mind knows that there are different opinions, is open and willing to change, if needed. A generous mind has the ability to navigate and engage in the whole spectrum of a theme, appreciating the different perspectives.
Leading with curiosity instead of judgement is essential for better conversations. Even when someone talks about something that is foreign to us, or we think we have no interest in, if we ask about it (tell me more!) we may find things we are able to appreciate, like someone’s passion for a specific subject, or the courage to explore it. Even if someone has a worldview different from ours, we can be curious about how that worldview comes about and what it is like to live life from that perspective.
People become less defensive when they feel their opinions are respected. Even if we strongly disagree, we can ask: if we had the same genes, physiology, upbringing, and education, would we have the same viewpoint?
Substance
Who do you like to talk to? Are they curious about the world, do they think about life, and are they excited by ideas? Do they bring rich inputs and singular insights to the conversation?
The more interesting our life, our inner and outer worlds, the more we bring to the table.
Mindset
We will have better conversations if we are intentional about it. A good talk can go deep into our souls if we bring shovels to the party. What we put in a conversation is what we get out of it, and if we start by setting an intention, we will get more.
It helps to understand the type of conversations we are in: are we aiming to connect, explore, or solve a problem?
explains it beautifully here. When someone only wants to vent, we can set an intention to simply be there, rather than trying to fix things.Vulnerability
A conversation can change us if we can let go of our armour and show the parts of ourselves that are usually hidden. Can we be vulnerable? Can we be the safe space where others can drop their armour?
If you came this far, you are probably looking for better conversations in your life. I am too. I truly enjoy it when, instead of feeling like I’m complicating the issue, I feel like I’m joining a quest to explore it. My mind lights up when someone shows me a different perspective. And I feel very grateful when it gets personal, when the words pull from our deepest wants and needs, and we are reminded we’re complex and flawed human beings that long for connection.
I hope these words help us create conversations that allow us to feel the threads that weave us with each other and with everything else in the universe.
A huge thank you to the lovely people who gave their time and wisdom to answer my survey — I’m so grateful to have you in my life.
What is missing from this list? What should not be there? Let us know in the comments!
(And maybe we can take some of these ideas for other moments, and for when we don’t feel like talking — we don’t need to have a conversation to connect with people. Being present when we cook together or go for a walk also nurtures relationships.)
Sara, gostei tanto deste artigo. Também sou fã e preciso de boas conversas, Ãntimas, profundas. Comunicar ajuda a criar mais relação, humanidade, receber e dar feedback, estar aberto à Vida.
Até já, gostei muito das tuas dicas!