The neverending story

Letting go of the illusion that you can change things that are beyond your control.

«The Childlike Empress—as her title indicates—was looked upon as the ruler over all the innumerable provinces of the Fantastical Empire, but in reality she was far more than a ruler; she was something entirely different.

(...) She never interfered with anyone and never had to defend herself against any assailant; for no one would have thought of rebelling against her or of harming her in any way. In her eyes all her subjects were equal.

She was simply there in a special way. She was the center of all life in Fantastica.

And every creature, whether good or bad, beautiful or ugly, merry or solemn, foolish or wise—all owed their existence to her existence.»

in The Neverending Story by Michael Ende

I was in my early teens when I read The Neverending Story, and these words made me uneasy. I had the feeling that I’d come across something important, but my brain couldn't fully understand it. 

Have you ever read something and thought, «this can’t be right», only to go back and think, «can this be right?». I felt my resistance being triggered and at the same time, my curiosity. How could someone have a belief so different from mine? 

I was raised convinced that there were good guys and bad guys, crime and punishment, sin and penance. For sure in the land of Fantastica there were bad creatures, like the one that chased Atreyu in the shadows. And bad is bad, and sometimes it’s evil. 

But the Childlike Empress didn’t believe all creatures were good. She believed all creatures were equal. This meant that being good and being bad were indistinguishable. This idea stayed in my head for days, months, years. Thirty years later, I’m still writing about it. 

Shades of grey

I began to notice things that I hadn't noticed before. I was a bookworm, and as the stories I read evolved, the characters grew more complex. There were books where the bad guy had a relatable reason to create obstacles and disrupt the action. Even The Neverending Story's main antagonist, Nothing, wasn’t just evil: it destroyed Fantastica because that land was created by imagination, and humans were forgetting how to dream. The destruction of Fantastica was a consequence, a moving part of a bigger problem.

With time, I found it hard to separate things and people from their context. Nothing was really black and white, and these shades of grey brought me compassion.

We can never know what a person has been through in their life or last week, what traumas they've had, if they're having a shitty day. Like when you're in traffic and someone makes a mistake, and instead of getting riled up, you think it might be the first time they are driving after getting their licence, or that they are feeling unwell, or that they have screaming children in the back seat.

Radical acceptance

Still, this reasoning assumes that something is wrong with people, or their context. And if something is wrong, there is something to make right. Right?

No. The Child Empress accepted all creatures as they were, good and cruel, with no judgement and no expectations that they would become better over time. 

That was unbelievable - people want to be better. I want people to be better; I want to be better, to grow, to evolve. How can I accept others as they are? How can I accept myself as I am? 

I can have empathy with someone who is angry all the time, but I still want them to calm down. But what if I don’t? What if I acknowledge that anger, how it makes me feel, and just accept it, knowing that the way that person acts is beyond my control?

And this doesn't mean that I don’t take action or do what’s best for me within the things I can control, like responding, creating boundaries, leaving, or seeking help. I just stop hoping that the things that are out of my control will change. I let go of that illusion.

When I stop hoping things are different, that layer of frustration dissolves, and I can see things as they are: that person is angry. And maybe that makes me feel anxious, but if I acknowledge that anxiety and stop judging it and fighting it, I can say to myself: that person is angry and I am anxious, and that is it. Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

I can feel this radical acceptance on rare occasions. Getting bad news and breathing it in, and just knowing that I am going to feel shitty that day and that tomorrow it will fade a little bit, and the next day a little more. 

It still feels detached, as if I should be angrier or sadder, but I think about the Childlike Empress on her Ivory Tower, and I know that seeing things as they are will bring me peace.